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| Subject: | AFV Modelling Humour |  |
| Date: | Aug 6, 2001 |
| From: | Paul A. Owen | |
I found this old message posted by Morgan Appel, it is really funny, I
thought I might share it again:
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Hello All!
I've decided to synopsize all of the valuable lessons I've learned about
building AFVs over the years into the following guide:
PRE ASSEMBLY
(1) Visit local hobby shop with a commitment not to spend entire
paycheck. Find inexpensive, yet fun kits. Purchase many of these kits,
plus paint, plus photo etch, plus kit that was too expensive, but, you
deserve it...blow all of paycheck.
(2) Sneak into house, laden with styrene and resin. Promise dogs that if
they do not call attention to you while you are scurrying about, you
will give them special treats--or at least not drop them off at the
pound. Tell wife you love her very much.
(3) Open kits and marvel at the detail. Open plastic shrink wrap to
examine in depth. Drop small parts onto carpet, where they will be lost
forever. Curse manufacturer, yell at dogs who are now chewing on your
cupola hatch. Figure out display angle so that tooth marks are not
visible to human eye. Forgive dogs, for they know not what they do.
ASSEMBLY
(4) Change Xacto blade and begin construction. Run out of cement at
critical period. Curse small cement tubes. Squeeze hard and drop
enoromous blob of cement onto detailed piece. Stew and simmer.
(5) Become increasingly angry at ambiguous instructions. Great, so they
can translate into German, Spanish, and Slovenian, but they can't sketch
a picture of a turret for %&^$%! Decide to paste parts as you wish,
reminding yourself that in the field, why, virtually anything goes.
E-mail TL newsgroups and find out that isn't the case. Chase dog who now
has instructions in mouth and is slowly ripping them to shreds. Take
Prozac.
(6) Continue assembly until you arrive at something that looks halfway
between an actual AFV and a snowmobile. Pat self on back for arduous
work, believing that you are the next Verlinden.
PAINTING
(7) Spray primer. Ensure that you are able to streak the patio in
various shades of gray, olive, and Dunkelgelb.
(8) Spray topcoat. Run out of topcoat. Cry. Try alternatives. After all,
if an SAS vehicle can be pink, why can't a Panther G be painted purple?
After all, anything goes in the field, right?
(9) Inhale aerosols and paint as you continue application. Walk through
closed sliding glass door. Visit hospital.
WEATHERING
(10) Retrieve photos of AFV from Internet. Realize your printer is black
and white.
(11) Gather pastels and oils. Spill thinned mixture on white carpet.
Have dog sit on stain to accept responsibility later.
(12) Weather vehicle until it looks as though it fell into a septic
tank. Curse vehicles, paint, armies, etc. Return to Step 7.
(13) Once weathering has been completed, leave model to dry overnight.
Realize that oils have transformed somehow and that the dull coat has
turned everything black. Return to Step 7.
(14) Once weathering has been completed, display and admire model. Log
onto TL or ML. Realize that you suck. Return to Step 7.
FIGURES
(15) Assemble and paint figures according to layered method, using oils
and enamels. Realize your commander looks more like Bozo the Clown than
Erwin Rommel. Attempt to affect corrections. Give figure to dog. Blame
Tamiya.
(16) Rationalize that in times of war, most persons would not expose
themselves to harm and remain in AFV perpetually.
LAST STEPS
(17) Resolve to spend more time with family and concentrating on career.
Return to Step 1.
Happy Modelling!
Morgan |
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